My dog ate my deluxe roasted and salted nuts. Dogs don’t eat nuts, do they?

Well, scratch that. My particularly pernicious Penny, the mini-pin, ate the nuts. No, not my cat Nutter. A can of nuts! I love that little beast, but right now I hope she got a stomachache. I wanted those nuts.

It all began with the heat. It was too hot. I needed salty nuts. So I bought a big can of the crunchy things, and was preserving my health by eating a handful every evening in front of the TV while watching all those other people exercise in the Olympics. I don’t exercise in 100-degree weather. And doctors say nuts are good for you. So, you see, I was being healthy, sort of.

Anyway, it seemed like a good idea to just leave the can of deluxe roasted and salted nuts there every evening, rather than having to put them up. I mean, they were in a can with a lid. How much more do I need to do?

And, when a shopping trip came around, I thought nothing of leaving my can of deluxe roasted and salted nuts on the coffee table. That way they would be right there, close at hand, when I stumbled home after shopping till nearly dropping.

Which is exactly what happened. Then I plopped my self down on coffee table with a can of pop, and looked for the nuts. They weren’t there. The deluxe roasted and salted nuts were gone.

A search ensued immediately.

And the nut can, minus most nuts, was found on the floor right in front of the TV. I suspected strange goings on, but didn’t, at that time, notice that Penny had taken on a rather cowed countenance. In truth, she was trying to crawl under my rocking recliner. She knew she was in trouble.

I picked up the can of deluxe roasted and salted nuts, which held only a few nuts, for a little crime scene investigation. (That’s CSI. I should have been a cop.)

Aha! The lid was off the deluxe can of roasted and salted nuts, and there were teeny, tiny little chew marks around the edge of that plastic cap. Mouse? Nope, chew marks too big. Rat? Nope, chew marks too little. Penny? Yep. Her tiny teeth fit those marks exactly.

I gave Penny the you-are-under-investigation look. Penny tried to hide again.

I was astounded. The perfect Penny doesn’t even beg for food at the dinner table. The proud Penny usually turns her head when offered a goody. If offered a little tidbit of something, anything, the lady-like Penny delicately smells it, then nibbles it from my fingers for a test. After a good sniff, and maybe a tentative lick, she may eat it (not usually), leave it laying on the floor (usually), eat it slowly (very occasionally) or bark for her kibbles (every time). I was dumbfounded. Surely not.

“You ate the nuts!?!” I had changed my mind about this suspect.

Penny ran into the dining room.

I searched my can of deluxe roasted and salted nuts to see what was left. Found a Brazil nut or two and a lot of almonds.

Don’t worry. I mined out those roasted and salted pecans at the first opening of the can.

Penny’s taste’s apparently run to cashews.

Speaking of Penny, I demanded again in a much softer voice, “You ate the nuts?”

She gave me her little doggy grin that means, ‘How much trouble am I in?’

What to do? Throw a nearly empty can at the dog, or take her to the veterinarian. Do dogs get sick when they eat nuts? Is Penny going to blow up? Throw up? What to do? Checked on the Internet. Oh great! Dogs should not be fed nuts cause they get irritated stomachs and bowels. Wonderful. And some nuts are fatal. No way.

I decided she could just suffer through it, whatever the outcome. If necessary I would force an antacid down her throat but I wouldn’t be gentle about it.

I looked into the can at my few almonds. I was hungry for nuts, for deluxe roasted and salted nuts.

What I found seemed to be unsalted and perhaps a bit damp almonds. Had they been Penny licked? A sniff test turned up nothing, no strange smells. Where had all that salt gone? I looked at Penny. She batted her lovely eyelashes at me.

“You dog,” I said.

She agreed and wagged her short tail.

I confess. I ate an almond. Even if Penny had licked that almond, I needed it badly, then had second thoughts. Never mind thinking about where that Penny tongue had been. After all, we accept kisses from our canine friends, don’t we?

I changed my mind again. The remainder of my can of deluxe roasted and salted nuts went into the garbage, and I ran to the store for more.

The culprit Penny is on parole. My can of deluxe roasted and salted nuts is safely stored in the highest cabinet in the kitchen.

I blame the heat for Penny’s bad behavior. I blame the heat for my forensic behavior. Maybe it will soon cool off, and we can all get back to normal.

Until then, pass the nuts please.