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Mother Nature under investigation, may have broken new too-hot law - Sequoyah County Times: Columnist Sally Maxwell

Mother Nature under investigation, may have broken new too-hot law

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Posted: Monday, July 30, 2012 1:02 pm

The annual Summer Whine is usually reserved for the Dog Days of summer in August.

But since the 100+ degree heat kicked in at the beginning of summer last month, this Summer Whine is now on tap. Yep, I’m putting the heat on the heat so it will get out of here.

I can live with anything below 100 degrees, but two 100-degree summers in a row is just too much. It should be illegal. But who to blame, who to accuse, who to arrest?

Mother Nature, that’s who. I vote for fining Mother Nature for heat speeding. And there will be no warning ticket. Maybe she should even get jail time. Wait. We can’t do that. The jail is probably air conditioned. Mom Nature should get the full extent of punishment under the too-hot law, and suffer just as much as the rest of us.

She’s going down! But wait! If the temperature goes down, we might give her a break. She might get credit for time served, but the old gal would be on supervised parole. We don’t want a repeat of this heat crime next summer, do we?

Get it together Mrs. Nature. If you don’t, what will all your fairy-land friends and family think?

Poor Jack Frost has cried himself to a mere puddle on the kitchen floor. He’ll have to be wet-vacced up and put in an ice cube tray in the freezer just to himself together again.

And what about your Easter Bunny? That one is so hot he’s beginning to shed. Will all the kids be traumatized next spring by a bald bunny? I can just see all the kiddies taking one look, then screaming loudly and running away. So much for the Easter egg hunts.

Then there’s poor Jack-O-Lantern. He can’t even get a lit candle because of the burn ban! In fact, he hasn’t even grown up to normal size because it didn’t rain. Oh my!

Even Tinker Bell and all her friends are frustrated. Hey Mom, fairies need cool weather to fly don’t you know? Hot weather heats up the molecules. How horrible to think of Tinker Bell crashing for lack of molecules. Everybody yell, “WE BELIEVE!” Maybe that will help, cause we sure do need Tink’s pixie dust.

And the Boogie Man is really upset. He is still hiding in the closet, waiting for everyone to fall asleep. It’s too hot to sleep. How in the world is he going to scare the dickens out of us if he can’t get out of the closet. And to top it off, the AC doesn’t reach the closet. You have a really hot Boogie Man.

And I can’t get my Nightmare out of the barn. She refuses to do her scares in the heat. Nightmare thinks it’s too hot to ride, and we can’t sleep in the heat anyway. Have you ever had to deal with a nasty Nightmare? Oooh!

Have you given one small thought to Frosty, the Snowman? You know he’s disappeared, right? He was so jolly and happy, and now he’s gone (sniff). We found his old silk hat (sniff, sniff), and we found his two black eyes made out of coal (sniff, sniff, sniff). But we can’t find Frosty!

Although he did promise, “I’ll be back again some day.”

And because of all the above, we have heard the rumor that your name has been put on the big guy’s Naughty List. That’s right. The big guy himself, Santa Claus, is upset too. He fears a White Christmas may be in jeopardy. If it is, what is Santa going to do with all those cold-weather gifts. You know, the sleds, the skis, the snowboards? All that work, melted away. Shame.

You are in so much trouble Mother Nature. Father Time has even added a few comments such as, “You’re time is near.” We assume he was speaking of himself since you’re Mother and he’s Father.

So drop the heat like a hot potato and give us some cool air and some rain. If you don’t, this whining will continue until the day’s top temp drops below 100, and nobody wants that.

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