Say, boys, we're sittin' up about right these days, aren't we? The backyard tomaters are ripe and ready for the picking and the price of bacon hasn't gone up so much as to bar its purchase.

But this is the last time I'm plating those Bradley Tomaters of Arkansas fame, or all the strangers you saw in the produce stands back when it was planting time. Plants with names like Celestial, Jamboree, Citation and you-name-it.

Why, if the late Fax Stinnett were still with us, I'd bet he would come forth with a dandy lecture, booming a return to "antique" tomaters like he fooled with.

* * *

Seeing a bargain, I plopped down a one-dollar bill for a can of "Luxury Wafers." The can was fancy, printed with a solid royal blue background befitting the "Royal Dansk" brand name. You know, the royal imprimatur of the ruling family of Denmark. The can carried an official-looking seal saying "Quality Since 1966." That should have told me something right there, Denmark being much, much older than that.

Closer inspection proved that the stuff inside was "produced and packed in Indonesia for Kelsen, Inc., Melville, N.Y." Now I'm wondering if Mr. Kelsen is really a Dane. I don't think my cookies got any closer to Denmark than H